No more misunderstandings. No more squabbles. Nope, Chuck and Diane Graziosi aren't disagreeing any more over the particulars of their marital separation, thanks to Jody Miller, their mediator and the executive director of the
Mediation Center of
Dutchess County in Poughkeepsie.
"It was a very positive experience," said Diane Graziosi of the two
mediation sessions she and her husband had with Miller. "It brought us to the point that we needed to be at in a timely manner and an economical manner and we walked away with the agreement of understanding."
Mediation is where a neutral third party facilitates conversations between parties in conflict. Through
mediation , opposing parties, whether they're individuals or groups of people, are given the opportunity to listen to each other, understand the other party's point of view and make decisions about what they want to do.
"The mediator doesn't make any decisions for the parties," said Jennifer Carson, the center's volunteer and training program coordinator. Rather, the conflicting parties decide a course of action for themselves, including what they want to talk about and how they want to talk about a particular issue.
The center, which has a staff of five and 46 active volunteer mediators, is one of a network of
county -based sites that operate under the auspices of the New York State Unified Court System's Office of Alternative Dispute Resolution and Court Improvement that provides
mediation for court referrals, including small claims cases, family court matters and others.
The center also provides training for mediators as well as
mediation and conflict resolution to parties outside the courts, such as workplaces, schools, youths, elders, parents/teens, special education and divorce.
"The mediator's role is to support that conversation happening (between conflicting parties) so that they can get clearer about their own options and goals and understand the perspective of the other, if they're able to do so," Miller said.
Mediators listen deeply, follow an individual's train of thought and reflect back to that person whatever his or her key points are, including how that person's view is different from the conflicting party's perspective. Most
mediation sessions take from a half hour to a couple of hours, with parties sometimes returning for subsequent sessions.
"When we're in conflict, it reduces our ability - it weakens our ability - to be clear and calm and confident," Miller said. "When we're in conflict, we're fearful, confused, unsure."
Beyond that, people struggling with a conflict often feel weighed down by dread or stress and may lose sleep, avoid social situations or shut down communications, entirely. It's only when people move out of a fearful, anxious state to one that's clear, calm and open, that they're able to fully interact with each other.
While Miller said all
mediation sessions don't necessarily lead to a resolution between parties,
mediation does provide
people with a clearer understanding of their overall situation.
Irvin Foster, executive director of the National Association for Community
Mediation , said in addition to training in basic
mediation , many mediators learn specialized training techniques to work with elders, youths, divorce and other situations.
"Each area has its own culture, so if you're dealing with teenagers, it's a different culture or mind-set than if you're dealing with senior citizens," Foster said.
Often, people in conflict use what Foster calls a "negotiation aura," that is, an attitude that hides their vulnerability, but also inhibits communication. Working with a mediator provides people with a safe environment that allows them to set aside their defenses, talk about their concerns and desires and work toward a resolution.
"That's what
mediation is about - helping people have difficult conversations," Foster said.
Mediators associated with community
mediation centers are fortunate, Foster said, because their close proximity to each other enables them to continually learn about
mediation from one another.
"The strength of the community
mediation process is that you've got this community that's working on being better mediators," he said.
Barbra Cockerham of the Town of Clinton has been a volunteer mediator with the center since 2005. Like the center's other volunteer mediators, Cockerham participated in the center's four-day, 30-hour training program and interned before earning her certification as a mediator, a process she said was "intense, enlightening and thought provoking."
"When I started to look into it, the thing that caught my eye was turning conflict into conversation," Cockerham said. "How was that possible?"
In-depth training
The 60-year-old IBM retiree applied for the center's training program and was accepted. Yet her grown son asked her: Why bother (with
mediation ) when you can just tell people what to do? The question got Cockerham, a problem-solver in her career and debater by nature, thinking.
"I wanted to answer that question because I couldn't answer it for myself," she said. Moreover, the idea that everyone has the ability to make right decisions interested her.
The training included sessions on the tenets of transformative
mediation , role-playing, films and a subsequent internship, where Cockerham, assisted by an experienced
mediation mentor, mediated disputes involving the small claims courts.
"A lot of times people just don't feel that they've been heard," Cockerham said.
To that end,
mediation techniques can help. For instance, reflecting what a person has said back to him, allows him to hear what he's said, while validating his perspective. Summarizing and highlighting the differences and agreements between parties helps provide a common ground for people to work from.
"You're looking for the themes because sometimes people are saying the same thing, but using different words," Cockerham said.
On a personal note, Cockerham said now when she's involved in a dispute, she's better able to realize when she or another person is in a negative place and unable to see the situation clearly.
"I'm enjoying it tremendously," said Cockerham of her work as a mediator. "I find it very rewarding."
Freelance writer Karen Maserjian Shan can be reached at mkshan@optonline.net.
About
mediation
Training
-- The
Mediation Center of
Dutchess County offers its 35-hour "Basic
Mediation " training this month for people who are interested in learning
mediation for personal or professional development as well as those interested in being a volunteer mediator.
-- People who want to take the training and then volunteer at The
Mediation Center must first attend the center's orientation program this Tuesday at the center, located at the Family Partnership Center, 29 N. Hamilton St., Poughkeepsie. Orientation begins at 5:30 p.m. Register at 845-471-7213.
-- Full
mediation training will be from 8:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. Oct. 18-21 at Vassar College in Poughkeepsie.
-- The training is conducted by a New York State Unified Court System certified trainer who is also an associate of the Institute for the Study of Conflict Transformation.
-- The Basic Training cost is $750, or $500 for
Dutchess County residents. For those who train to become a volunteer mediator at the center, tuition is on a sliding scale.
Go to www.dutchessmediation.org to learn more about the center's programs.
The terms
-- Dispute resolution, where trained people help others communicate more clearly, negotiate effectively, develop and evaluate solutions, or resolve conflicts, offers people private and voluntary options to resolve their conflicts beyond the court.
-- Negotiation is a discussion between two or more people solving disagreements, deciding what to do, or making a bargain and may involve advocates or representatives.
-- Conciliation is the use of a third person who is asked to help people reach an amicable resolution of their dispute. The conciliator does not have the authority to impose a settlement, and usually speaks with the parties separately.
-- Facilitation involves a neutral person who helps members of a group to define and meet their goals, exchange ideas and information, solve a problem or hold effective meetings.
--
Mediation is a method for discussing problems and exploring solutions with the help of a trained neutral. Mediators help people communicate clearly and negotiate effectively but do not take sides, give legal advice, make decisions about resolutions or impose solutions.
-- Neutral evaluation is conducted by a neutral with the expertise to hear arguments and predict the likely outcome in court. The evaluator may also provide guidance and settlement assistance with the parties' consent.
-- Arbitration is a formal proceeding that uses one or more neutrals to listen to evidence and render a decision. The decision may be binding or non-binding.
-- Litigation is a legal dispute argued in court. Attorneys help negotiate a resolution, or a judge or jury makes a decision. The people directly involved have little control over the process or outcome.
New York State Dispute Resolution Association, www.nysdra.org